Websites of Kids' Events

As Baby Logan gets older, D & I will have to find more places to take him around the area. Here is a list of some websites that lists activities & events, curtesy of the Parents' Club of Palo Alto and Menlo Park, aka PAMF:

• Bay Area Kid Fun
• Big Blue Trunk
• Zvents

Spelling Reform

The Great European Dream

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish.

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a dterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v."

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou," and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

100 Geeky Places to Take Your Kids This Summer

From my friend Domenick is this list of 100 Geek Places To Take Your Kids This Summer. In case this web page doesn't exist by the time Logan is old enough to appreciate them, I'll jot down the ones in the Bay Area here:

• Ames Exploration Center - Moffett Field, California.
• California Academy of Sciences - San Francisco.
• Chabot Space and Science Center - Oakland, California.
• Children’s Discovery Museum - San Jose, California.
• Computer History Museum - Mountain View, California.
• Exploratorium - San Francisco, California.
• Hiller Aviation Museum - San Carlos, California.
• Tech Museum of Innovation - San Jose, California.

A related article is Thomas Hawk’s GeekDad post: 10 Great Places to Take Your Kids in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Brain Cramps

• (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
• Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
• Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
• "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey
• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.
• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
• "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
• "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
• "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- an Quayle
• "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca
• "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
• "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
• "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
• "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
• "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on

Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006. To celebrate growing older, Regina once wrote the 45 lessons life taught her. She turned 50 in 2007 and re-posted it with an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

How to Stay Young

• Try everything twice. On Madam's (of Whelan's and Madam) tombstone she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both times!"
• Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches).
• Keep learning. Learn more about computers, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
• Enjoy the simple things. Ice cream, good movies, chocolate, more ice cream, more chocolate...
• Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with that person.
• The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is you. Lost time can never be found. LIVE while you are alive.
• Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
• Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
• Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, or a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
• Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.
• Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.
• Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Death & Taxes

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Quote of the Day

For fun...

On mullets, it's always "Business in the front, PARTY in the REAR!"

On a more serious note...

An old saying by Confucious, "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand."

Modern Stock Market Terms

Due to today's rapidly plunging stock market, and financial conditions in industry, the following terms have had to be revised for investors in order to more clearly reflect today's economic marketplace...

• CEO -- Chief embezzlement officer.
• CFO -- Corporate fraud officer.
• BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• BEAR MARKET -- A 6-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
• P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market continues to crash.
• BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
• STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
• STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
• STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
• MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
• CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• YAHOO -- What you yell after selling Yahoo stock to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
• WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
• INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
• PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

Homework

Letter from the Mom after looking at the picture

Dear (Teacher),

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.

Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely, Mrs. ... (Mother)

Learning Curve for "EVE Online"

Curtesy of Crystal... here are the learning curves for some popular MMORPGs.

All New: 31 Flavors

Some political humor curtesy of Jenn!

Ben & Jerry have created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama. For George W. they they asked for suggestions from the public. Here are some of their favorite responses:

• Grape Depression
• The Housing Crunch
• Abu Grape
• Cluster Fudge
• Nut'n Accomplished
• Good Riddance You Lousy Motherf*cker... Swirl
• Iraqi Road
• Chock 'n Awe
• WireTapioca
• Impeach Cobbler
• Guantanmallow
• imPeachmint
• Heck of a Job, Brownie!
• Neocon Politan
• RockyRoad to Fascism
• The Reese's-cession
• Cookie D'oh!
• Nougalar Proliferation
• Death by Chocolate... and Torture
• Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
• Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
• Credit Crunch
• Mission Pecanplished
• Country Pumpkin
• Chunky Monkey in Chief
• WMDelicious
• Chocolate Chimp
• Bloody Sundae
• Caramel Preemptive Stripe
• I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands... with nuts

Gender of a Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine:

• 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
• 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer?'" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Will Your Marriage Last?

Jezebel posted a chart that was originally published in the October 1927 issue of Popular Science Monthly. Based on the analysis of over two thousand American marriages, the chart, devised by Hornell Hart, Associate Professor of Social Economy, Bryn Mawr College, is supposed to tell you the odds of a marriage being successful with the ages of the bride and groom being the predictors.

"Those conclusions, reached after four authoritative investigations, show that marital happiness depends to a large extent on the ages at which couples marry; that from the age of the bride and bridegroom at marriage it is possible to forecast the future fortunes of the union with surprising accuracy. Age at marriage, of course, is only one of the factors affecting marital success. The physical, mental and emotional characteristics of the man and woman, not to mention financial and social conditions, play a part. But the investigations show age is a big factor."

In case you're curious about the likely success (or failure) of your own nuptials, I've included the chart below, along with the legend that goes with it.

Your chances for happiness. The letter in the area where the age lines of a bridegroom and bride intersect indicates their chances of happiness. Here is the key: A—Ideal. B—Not so ideal; if in doubt wait year or two. C—Risky; wait a few years. D—Very dangerous; both far too young. E—Exceedingly dangerous; wait. F—Divorce probable. G—A little less hazardous than F. H—Girl far too young; foolhardy unless otherwise excellently suited. I—Good chance if otherwise well mated. J—Suffering and divorce likely. K—May succeed if otherwise unusually well matched. L—Good prospect, although they waited too long. M—Fair chance. N—Hardly a chance. O—Both far too young; wait at least four years. P—Man too young; wait year or two. Q—Good chance. R—Very slim chance. S—Slim chance. T—May succeed if otherwise adapted. U—Age difference too great; almost hopeless. V—A little less hopeless than U. In every case, white area is safest; dark, most hazardous

Indexed

indexed.blogspot.com is a fantastic site that my friend Jenn recommended. It consists of simple, self explanatory and funny venn diagrams and graphs depicting humorous social theories. I'm not doing justice with the description so just go visit it!.

P.S. I'd love to buy a T-shirt but the graphic on the shirt appears a little small plus I have way too many T-shirts as it is (from various running races I've participated in). It appears that the author, Jessica Hagy, has a book version coming out in February. Perhaps I will purchase that instead when it is available.

The Ten (Corporate) Commandments

1. I am the confidence and trust that the market places in thou, and thou shall have no other gods before me. Hear me well, for I am itching to smite thee, for thou hast mocked me, lo these many years.
2. Thou shall not take my name, or the names which are sacred to me, "positive cash flow," or "profit," in vain, or ever utter the blasphemy of "pro-forma" or "EBITDA." I shall know of your disrespect, and I look forward to smiting thee.
3. Thou shall keep holy the last day of the quarter, upon which thou shall report accurately with books fully closed, channels unstuffed, and revenue conservatively recognized. You shall honor my commandment with your sworn word, and if you violate thine covenant with me, I shall not even deign to smite thee, but will delegate said smiting to my flock at the Department of Justice.
4. Honor the average investor, for he is of me, and he shall yank his cash so fast out of your Sodom and Gomorrah stock that thine head will spin like that girl in "The Exorcist." After thou are made bereft and humbled, I may still elect to smite thee if thou hast sufficiently angered me.
5. Thou shall not kill the jobs or retirement savings of thine hard-working and generally innocent employees with thine greed, malfeasance and fraud. I have a special smiting planned for thee, thou defilers of dreams and fillers of unemployment lines. The agent of my divine wrath will be the Angel called "personal liability."
6. Thou shall not commit adultery by laying down with the harlots of complex or deceitful accounting, or give custom to their panderers, the accountants, consultants and lawyers. Just for the record, when I am done smiting thee, I shall smite all of them for good measure, and my Angel "personal liability" shall darken all of thine thresholds.
7. Thou shall not steal. What part of this statement taxes thy brain? "Thou shall not steal." Not from thine investors, thine employees, thine lenders, thine own subsidiaries -- not anyone. Even thine own children, soon to be missing Daddy as he serves out his term at Lompoc Federal Prison, understand this divine concept. Are thou sure that thou went to an Ivy League business school? Dost thou believe that feigning stupidity about this simple directive will protect thee from my righteous anger and highly efficient and pro-active smiting?
8. Thou shall not bear false witness in thine financial statements or any other statements for that matter. If thou betrayest my directive and utter such vile falsehoods as "goodwill write-offs" or "one time charges," I shall especially savor my smiting of thee -- which shall begin with a form of atonement called "the perp walk." Lo, this smiting shall continue for many years for the enjoyment of all concerned or those who may be watching "Court TV."
9. Thou shall not covet earnings or positive net cash flow which thou hast not actually produced with thine own skills or efforts. Thou shall not make, or cause to be made, or worship, or incite worship of graven images that resemble good and true earnings or positive net cash flow, or I shall smite thee with one other of my host of avenging angels, that one that thou namest "Bankruptcy."
10. Thou shall not covet a grossly inflated compensation package so far in excess of what your average worker earns that even other executives shy away from your greed like townspeople from a leper. Thou shall not violate this or any of my other commandments in a pursuit of ego gratification or vastly expensive material goods (e.g. private jets), or I shall smite thee by causing thou to perform unspeakable acts upon thine own person with a rolled-up copy of the "Robb Report."

(Thanks to the most whimsical venture capitalist, who prefers anonymity, for these commandments.)

Just What the Doctor Ordered

From my friend Jenn...

• DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
• ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
• EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
• PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
• DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
• FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
• MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
• BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
• JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
• ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
• NAGAMENT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

English: Rules & Exceptions

From Slashdot comes a thread on whether Webspeak is threatening the English language. Feel free to read at your leisure, but I wanted to poach an interesting post on some examples of how complex English can be:

• We polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• A farm can produce produce.
• The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
• The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
• The present is a good time to present the present.
• At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
• The dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
• I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
• I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

The English Lesson

We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be pen?

The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot... would a pair be beet?

If one is a tooth, and a whole set is teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the singular is this, and the plural is these,
Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be kese?

Then one may be that, and three be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose.
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim.
So our English, I think you will agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see.

And Another One!

I take it you already know
of tough, and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
on hiccough, through, slough and though.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead; it's said like bed, not bead!
For goodness sake, don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt)
A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and card and ward
And font and front and word and sword.
And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I've hardly made a start.
A dreadful language: Why, man alive,
I'd learned to talk when I was five.
And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn't learned it at fifty-five.

International Pun Contest Results

10. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

9. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam"!

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

7. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

4. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

2. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

1. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them smile. No pun in ten did????

Girl Wisdom

Elisabeth Watson to 1999 Graduate Women in Business National Conference

• Don't take cost center or support jobs. The big bucks do not lie there. If you are drawn to this work, be the boss. Take commission based or any quantitatively reviewed position because the numbers don't lie when it comes to reviews and bonuses.
• Decide how much you want and ask for more. Women never ask for enough money or perks. Be tough. It's just like dating. If they can't have you, they'll do damn near anything.
• Sexism exists, and the higher you go, the more there is of it. Don't talk about it, but expect it and handle it.
• Speak up. Don't question your instincts or judgment. They certainly do and don't, respectively.
• Take a "lesser" job for a better boss. If you want to confirm this, call my former assistant. Good bosses clear many obstacles to success and get you noticed. Women bosses are no better or worse than men bosses.
• The higher you go, the more you have to communicate to more people.
• The industry and the product matter considerably less than the people and the culture. If I told you what my last company does, you wouldn't stay awake through it. I didn't the first time.
• Go to school. It's more important to go and to learn than it is to figure out exactly what you want to be when you grow up.
• Do community work and meet other people who get off their butts. Great experience and contacts, not to mention perspective.
• Write. As much as possible and better than everyone around you. If you can't, learn. Hurry.
• Silicon Valley is not glamorous. Software is buggy. Customers know this.
• Too much travel is deadly. Boring destinations make it worse, but only marginally.
• Say no.
• Try to read. This is hard to do.
• Work on deals, the bigger the better. Don't wait until you know how to start. In Q3 98, I did my first one in the power industry on no sleep, 5,000 miles of travel a week, in a room of full senior execs where I was the only girl AND I was doing the pitch. I did the strategy write-up, after I'd spent 4 days on the account and 4 months with the company, almost. I needed a passport to get there. It was the $4.5M initial round of a potential $100M US deal, and the contract would generate predictable cash flow for 5 years. We won. It was cool.
• Get a housekeeper and a catsitter. Don't bemoan publicly that you have no wife and everyone else does. This stinks btw.
• Wear interesting clothes that say who you are. Clones are not VP's.
• Shoes count.
• Your first priority is the people who work for you. Their first priority is the customer. If they do something other than manage, they are the experts. Trust them, they know what they're doing. YOU aretheir last priority. Always. Especially around bureaucracy.
• Girl businesses like flowers, temp agencies, PR,catering, and head hunting make the same US dollars,and lire, and francs, as guy businesses. It's okay to like that stuff.
• It may be a sign that you are too busy if you choose your eye pencil based on its ability to survive your electric pencil sharpener.
• Don't leave your baby on the bus. Do have one. We need to maintain competitive advantage here. Try to have a girl. Don't give her a fluffy name. Don't worry if you have a boy. Brothers greatly aid in life skills development for girls, aka survival skills.
• Return your phone calls.
• Get a husband or a wife before the good ones are gone. I hear they help a lot. They will be gone before you think they will.
• A good book will get you through anything.
• Exercise. Play. Play sports, both those you are good at and those that you aren't. Stay healthy. If you can't, quit. Get a mentor. Either gender.
• Network with the girls. 'Sfun.
• Always be yourself. Then everyone else knows what to expect and doesn't waste time. This is true for your own expectations of you as well.
• Have fun. If you don't, quit. Don't wait. You'll only make yourself miserable and disappoint your colleagues. You all deserve better.