In case you are wondering, "D" is my husband -- Dave Liu! As you've probably noticed, I don't update this blog often but I may post more as I've linked this to my Google+ account.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The Ten (Corporate) Commandments

  1. I am the confidence and trust that the market places in thou, and thou shall have no other gods before me. Hear me well, for I am itching to smite thee, for thou hast mocked me, lo these many years.
  2. Thou shall not take my name, or the names which are sacred to me, "positive cash flow," or "profit," in vain, or ever utter the blasphemy of "pro-forma" or "EBITDA." I shall know of your disrespect, and I look forward to smiting thee.
  3. Thou shall keep holy the last day of the quarter, upon which thou shall report accurately with books fully closed, channels unstuffed, and revenue conservatively recognized. You shall honor my commandment with your sworn word, and if you violate thine covenant with me, I shall not even deign to smite thee, but will delegate said smiting to my flock at the Department of Justice.
  4. Honor the average investor, for he is of me, and he shall yank his cash so fast out of your Sodom and Gomorrah stock that thine head will spin like that girl in "The Exorcist." After thou are made bereft and humbled, I may still elect to smite thee if thou hast sufficiently angered me.
  5. Thou shall not kill the jobs or retirement savings of thine hard-working and generally innocent employees with thine greed, malfeasance and fraud. I have a special smiting planned for thee, thou defilers of dreams and fillers of unemployment lines. The agent of my divine wrath will be the Angel called "personal liability."
  6. Thou shall not commit adultery by laying down with the harlots of complex or deceitful accounting, or give custom to their panderers, the accountants, consultants and lawyers. Just for the record, when I am done smiting thee, I shall smite all of them for good measure, and my Angel "personal liability" shall darken all of thine thresholds.
  7. Thou shall not steal. What part of this statement taxes thy brain? "Thou shall not steal." Not from thine investors, thine employees, thine lenders, thine own subsidiaries -- not anyone. Even thine own children, soon to be missing Daddy as he serves out his term at Lompoc Federal Prison, understand this divine concept. Are thou sure that thou went to an Ivy League business school? Dost thou believe that feigning stupidity about this simple directive will protect thee from my righteous anger and highly efficient and pro-active smiting?
  8. Thou shall not bear false witness in thine financial statements or any other statements for that matter. If thou betrayest my directive and utter such vile falsehoods as "goodwill write-offs" or "one time charges," I shall especially savor my smiting of thee -- which shall begin with a form of atonement called "the perp walk." Lo, this smiting shall continue for many years for the enjoyment of all concerned or those who may be watching "Court TV."
  9. Thou shall not covet earnings or positive net cash flow which thou hast not actually produced with thine own skills or efforts. Thou shall not make, or cause to be made, or worship, or incite worship of graven images that resemble good and true earnings or positive net cash flow, or I shall smite thee with one other of my host of avenging angels, that one that thou namest "Bankruptcy."
  10. Thou shall not covet a grossly inflated compensation package so far in excess of what your average worker earns that even other executives shy away from your greed like townspeople from a leper. Thou shall not violate this or any of my other commandments in a pursuit of ego gratification or vastly expensive material goods (e.g. private jets), or I shall smite thee by causing thou to perform unspeakable acts upon thine own person with a rolled-up copy of the "Robb Report."

(Thanks to the most whimsical venture capitalist, who prefers anonymity, for these commandments.)

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