The Toddler's Creed

• If it is on, I must turn it off.
• If it is off, I must turn it on.
• If it is folded, I must unfold it.
• If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
• If it is a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
• If it is high, it must be reached.
• If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
• If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
• If it has leaves, they must be picked.
• If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
• If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
• If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
• If it is closed, it must be opened.
• If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
• If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
• If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
• If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
• If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
• If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
• If it is a stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
• If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
• If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
• If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
• If it is paper, it must be torn.
• If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
• If the volume is low, it must go high.
• If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
• If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
• If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
• If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
• If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
• If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
• If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
• If it is not food, it must be tasted.
• If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
• If it is dry it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
• If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.
• If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.

I am a toddler.